my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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