you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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