woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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