I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The air was thick with penises
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
