is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
