The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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