Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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