dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
