Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
