Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
