last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
