Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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