well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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