whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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