Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize