I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
