Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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