my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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