I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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