He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
