Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
