oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
