Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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