Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
