That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
