I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
