You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
