I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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