At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
