I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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