i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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