My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
