im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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