i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Dicks are not precious.
as a side note pls kill me
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
