He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
