I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
