fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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