he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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