I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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