i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Your penis caused this!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
