captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
