I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
