got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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