I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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