I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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