I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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