I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sorry about my life...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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