I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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