did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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