Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize