That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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