he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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