she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
