I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
