If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
why do cheetos always look like penises
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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