Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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