the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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