Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
