last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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