this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
