oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
