i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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