You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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