I have demons in me.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize