So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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