i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
