the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
