There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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