I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
