we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
