This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
